RFK Jr. Confirmed as Health Secretary—Get Ready for Crystals Up Your Butt

Sources: MSNBC: Senate confirms Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as health secretary, The Hill: 5 of RFK Jr.’s most controversial views

Welp, America, we did it. We finally hit rock bottom. Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the human embodiment of a Reddit conspiracy thread, has officially been confirmed as Health and Human Services Secretary.

That’s right—the same guy who thinks vaccines cause autism, fluoride turns you into a government drone, and raw milk is a cure-all for your Big Pharma-induced ailments is now in charge of the country’s public health policy. Hope you’re ready for RFK-approved medical care, where instead of antibiotics, you get energy crystals shoved up your butt and a nice hot glass of unpasteurized salmonella milk.

A Stunningly Stupid Senate Vote

The Senate confirmed RFK Jr. in a 52-48 vote, with Mitch McConnell being the one Republican who, for once in his life, did the bare minimum for humanity by saying "Nah, this guy is actually too nuts."

But the rest of them? Apparently cool with a guy who, during his own confirmation hearings, couldn’t explain how Medicaid works, wouldn’t say vaccines don’t cause autism, and pivoted so hard on abortion rights that he practically fell into Trump’s lap.

Kennedy’s Magical Medical Thinking

What does RFK Jr. actually believe? Oh, just a greatest hits list of medical stupidity:

• Vaccines are the devil. He’s spent years screaming that Big Pharma is covering up the truth about vaccines and that thimerosal is melting kids' brains. Hope you like diseases from the 1800s, because measles is about to make a comeback.
• COVID? Bioweapon conspiracy. He once claimed COVID-19 was engineered to avoid Jews and Chinese people. Seems like a great guy to be in charge of a pandemic response.
• Fluoride is poisoning your brain. He wants water fluoridation banned because he thinks it's an industrial waste plot. Get ready for the worst teeth in the developed world.
• HIV doesn't cause AIDS? Yeah, RFK Jr. is one of those guys. He’s questioned basic, decades-old science while people with actual medical degrees have been too busy saving lives to listen to his nonsense.
• Raw milk for everyone! He’s obsessed with deregulating unpasteurized milk, which is a fun way of saying "Let’s bring back preventable foodborne illness!"

What Happens Next? Probably A Lot of Death

Now that RFK Jr. is in charge of a $1.7 trillion health agency, what should we expect?

• Vaccine requirements getting gutted. If you thought the anti-vax movement was bad before, just wait until it's government policy.
• A full-on war on toothpaste. If he gets his way, your local water supply will be fluoride-free and your dentist will be rich.
• RFK Jr.’s Essential Oils & Energy Crystals Health Plan™. Got an infection? No need for antibiotics—just tape some amethyst to your lower back and pray.
• New government health guidelines sponsored by Goop. Don't be surprised if Gwyneth Paltrow starts showing up at press briefings to explain the healing properties of a jade egg in your rectum.

Final Thought: America Just Became a Pseudoscience Cult

So congrats, America! We’ve officially entered the "crystals up your butt" era of healthcare.

RFK Jr. is now in charge of actual science-based institutions like the CDC, FDA, and NIH—which is kind of like putting a flat-earther in charge of NASA.

Stock up on vaccines, toothpaste, and maybe some antibiotics while you still can. Because with RFK Jr. running the show?

You’re one essential oil away from being told to cure cancer with positive vibes and a wheatgrass smoothie.