Jamie Dimon’s RTO Tantrum
Ah yes, the return to office (RTO) movement—corporate America’s favorite way to remind employees that their feelings don’t matter and that their billionaire overlords get to dictate their lives. And leading the charge? JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon, who recently graced his workforce with the most CEO-ish response possible:
"I don’t care how many people sign that fucking petition."*
Ah, the poetry. The empathy. The kind of leadership you’d expect from a guy whose net worth makes Scrooge McDucklook middle-class.
Employees of JPMorgan—the largest bank in the country, mind you—dared to express their dissatisfaction with being yanked back into the office five days a week. A group even started a petition, a tiny, polite attempt to get their billionaire boss to reconsider. Dimon, in all his enlightened wisdom, took this as an opportunity to deliver a verbal middle finger, reportedly drawing laughter from some people in attendance. Because of course, some folks just love watching the boss grind the peasantry under his heel.
"It’s a Free Country"—For Me, Not for Thee
Dimon, a man whose life is so untouched by the consequences of his own policies that he probably thinks a "commute" is what his driver does while he checks stock prices, went on to reassure his workers that they have choices.
"Don't be mad at me, it’s a free country."
Ah yes, freedom! The sacred right to quit your job, find a new one, and still end up working for some other out-of-touch executive who thinks "flexibility" means letting you breathe on your lunch break. Maybe he thinks he’s being generous by not chaining employees to their desks?
The reality? This whole RTO push is just another power play. It’s not about productivity—there’s no actual data proving that forcing people to sit in an open office next to some loudmouth who still hasn’t figured out how to mute Zoom is better for business. It’s about control. It’s about making sure employees remember that they are workers, not people.
Bankers Flirting With Unionization? Dimon’s Worst Nightmare
Of course, some JPMorgan workers aren’t just lying down and taking it. Some have reached out to the Communications Workers of America to explore forming a union—an idea that is practically heresy in the finance world. And you knowthat has Dimon sweating through his overpriced suit.
Because let’s be real: these corporate overlords don’t actually want a "free country." They want control. They want employees desperate, replaceable, and too scared to push back. A union? That’s the one thing that could actually make Dimon care about that f*cking petition.
Final Thought: The Irony of It All
It’s funny, really. The richest, most powerful people in corporate America always act like they are the victims whenever employees dare to ask for better conditions. Dimon makes $34 million a year. He is never going to sit in traffic on his way to work. He is never going to struggle to find childcare because his boss arbitrarily decided he has to be in a glass box for 40 hours a week.
And yet, in his mind, he’s the one being unfairly burdened?
JPMorgan employees, if you’re reading this: keep pushing. Keep making noise. Keep organizing. Because if history has taught us anything, it’s that when rich men like Jamie Dimon say "I don’t care," what they really mean is "I do, but I’m hoping you’ll shut up before I have to admit it."
